In what critics are already calling the most patriotic pairing since beer met barbecue, country superstar Jason Aldean and rock-rapper Kid Rock announced that they will unite for a sweeping “All America Tour” in honor of the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk.

The tour, dubbed simply “For Charlie,” will span 50 states, seven military bases, and—if the organizers get clearance—possibly the surface of the moon. The announcement has electrified the right-wing world, sent liberals into predictable panic spirals, and left Ticketmaster servers gasping for air under the strain of presale demand.

“This isn’t just about music,” Jason Aldean declared at a press conference held in front of a massive American flag that appeared to have been ironed by bald eagles. “This is about carrying on the spirit of a man who fought for freedom, who loved this country, and who made us believe that cargo shorts could be political armor.”

Kid Rock, wearing a cowboy hat roughly the size of Montana, chimed in: “Charlie Kirk was my brother. Not literally—we never shared a bunk bed or a bottle of Jack—but spiritually, we were cut from the same American denim. This tour is my way of saying: Charlie, I’m still raising hell for you.”

The setlist is expected to feature Aldean’s “Try That in a Small Town,” Kid Rock’s “Born Free,” and a newly written collaboration titled “Stars, Stripes, and Kirk Forever.” According to inside sources, the song contains no fewer than 17 references to the Constitution, 3 veiled jabs at Starbucks, and one full verse comparing Kirk to George Washington on a Red Bull high.

At the finale of each show, Aldean and Kid Rock will perform under a giant hologram of Kirk reading the Declaration of Independence while fireworks explode in the shape of AR-15s.

The tour will hit iconic American venues such as:

The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville (renamed temporarily “The Kirk Opry”),

Cowboys Stadium in Texas (complete with free Freedom Fries for all attendees),

Mount Rushmore (where rumor has it they’ll project Kirk’s face alongside Lincoln’s for the night),

and, controversially, Times Square (which Congress recently moved to rename Charlie Kirk Square, confusing tourists and pigeons alike).

Across the country, fans are preparing like this is the Super Bowl of patriotism.

“I haven’t been this excited since Trump waved at me through a bulletproof window,” said Denise Miller, a grandmother from Alabama who plans to attend five shows. “I already bought 14 ‘For Charlie’ t-shirts, three MAGA koozies, and a lawn chair I’m calling ‘the Liberty Seat.’”

Scalpers are reporting resale ticket prices hitting astronomical levels. One seat near the stage in Nashville was listed on StubHub for $17,776, a figure fans are calling “poetically American.”

Predictably, the left is unimpressed.

“They’re turning a tragedy into a rock concert,” complained a columnist from The New York Times. “It’s exploitative.”

Conservatives, however, see it differently. “It’s healing,” said Sen. Marco Rubio, who has volunteered to sell hot dogs at several stops. “It’s the music of freedom, and if Kid Rock wants to shoot beer cans out of a cannon while screaming Kirk’s name, that’s democracy in action.”

Major corporations are scrambling to attach themselves to the tour. Bud Light, still reeling from boycotts, reportedly offered to sponsor the tour but was politely told to “sit this one out.” Instead, the official beer of the “For Charlie” tour will be Coors Banquet, rebranded temporarily as “Kirk’s Lager.”

Tesla has also jumped in, promising a fleet of custom tour buses wrapped in murals of Charlie Kirk holding the Constitution like a torch. Elon Musk confirmed via tweet: “Every Tesla dealership will livestream the concert series. Freedom is the ultimate software update.”

Rumors swirl that a variety of conservative celebrities may appear on stage throughout the tour. Tucker Carlson is allegedly preparing to deliver monologues between sets, Candace Owens may do spoken-word poetry about cancel culture, and Oliver Anthony is rumored to join in for a haunting banjo rendition of “Amazing Grace for Charlie.”

The tour is also expected to feature guest appearances from Duck Dynasty stars, a giant inflatable Ronald Reagan, and possibly President Trump himself, who teased on Truth Social: “Might do a little backup singing for Kid Rock. The people are asking me to do it. We’ll see!!!”

Hollywood, naturally, has panned the tour as “propaganda in cowboy boots.” Jimmy Kimmel attempted to joke about it during his latest monologue, but after three sponsors immediately pulled out, he was escorted off stage mid-sentence.

Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg reportedly stormed off The View set when producers asked if she would cover the story. “This is insane,” she muttered, before the studio audience broke into spontaneous chants of “WE ARE CHARLIE.”

For Aldean and Kid Rock, however, none of the backlash matters. “This isn’t about politics,” Aldean insisted. “This is about honoring a man who told us never to back down.”

Kid Rock added, “We’ve got 10,000 guitars, 5,000 American flags, and enough pyrotechnics to make July Fourth look like a candlelight vigil. If that doesn’t scream Charlie Kirk, I don’t know what does.”

The “For Charlie” tour is set to kick off in Phoenix, Arizona, with Erika Kirk scheduled to address the crowd before the first performance. Organizers expect attendance in the millions, rivaling both Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour and possibly Woodstock ’99 in sheer chaos.

As the final press conference wrapped up, Jason Aldean strummed his guitar softly and offered a simple line: “Charlie, this one’s for you, brother.”

And with that, America braced itself for what may be the loudest, proudest, most unapologetically red-white-and-blue musical event in modern history.

Or, as one billboard along I-40 already reads:
“For Charlie. For Freedom. For America.”